DOOSK

2012-01-28T05:16:00.002+08:00

it's frustrating.

i swear it is.

why won't the words ever change its meaning.

every single thing never changes.

the most frustrating thing of all.

is that i am still alive.

waiting for the next ordeal to occur.

waiting for myself to be condemned.

waiting for the mirror to laugh at me.

such darkness within me.

fear of myself.

and false hope.

2012-01-25T03:40:00.002+08:00

well, at least it's a relief. to know that you know i love you.

and even if we cant be the friends we used to be becos of all that's happened,

i just want you to be happy.

that's enough for me.

2012-01-24T03:15:00.002+08:00

still can't find the right words to set it in.

the right path to take and the right way to feel.

it's really weird not having anyone to love.

just something missing so gravely.

2012-01-22T16:23:00.002+08:00

To live for others was a foolish dream.

something i thought would help me find worth in myself.

I have to realise that my happiness is now more worth than the happiness of others.

May seem selfish but I begin believe it can be true at times.

Because these people will never appreciate.

But it is not their duty to do so. Therefore, I hold no grudge against them.

I will find another way.

Walk another road.

To reach for light.

I won't continue this journey anymore. I will not keep returning to this forsaken land.

Just as people cast me out. I will cast them out.

I won't be the victim. I will be in control. I will live my fucking life.

I will bow to no one.

and only i know how much i have suffered and how much i deserve.

Even if i have made mistakes. I believe I am better than some people.

I will believe in it.

2012-01-12T15:51:00.000+08:00

being thankful for what i have..
i guess that's probably one of the things that i'm worst at.

just wondering what i really want now and what i really need to fill the void

why is it don't have enough faith to believe that returning to Him would fill the void as everyone always says.

kinda tired.

2012-01-08T04:12:00.000+08:00

why am I so clueless and uncertain.

Now I realise I don't love her that much anymore.

and a part of me misses being able to feel that way about her.

How weird.

And i thought this was what i wanted. To be able to forget her as she drifted away from me.

but i guess maybe it was just that i never had the chance to interact with many girls my age..

Just desperate.

feel like my soul is missing so many things.

so hard to live like this.

guess it hurt so much that its starting to feel numb now.

wont someone save me.

2012-01-05T21:48:00.000+08:00

Still sitting here.

wondering every day how i am still alive.

just doesn't make sense anymore.

and soon i'll be forced into another world of pain and suffering.

Phases...

why wont my soul just give way.

tired of this.

the lack of satisfaction.

2012-01-02T05:21:00.000+08:00

Crystal:

I could never forget how you called me even when I told you nothing was wrong even though my heart was in pain.

"Pick up if you consider me a friend"

perhaps you knew exactly what I couldn't afford to lose.

the conversation we had was so brief and meaningless from an outsider's point of view.

listening about how you hid in the toilet cos you didnt want your mum to hear you talking on the phone...

you stayed on the phone, patiently and asking the same few questions over and over again.

even though i never gave an appropriate answer because i couldn't begin to express my feelings and explain myself.

but your voice gave me comfort.
your presence got rid of the loneliness.

you never understood how you made me feel better,
i probably didnt either.

you were eager to meet me.. for some reason.
and perhaps after finally meeting me, i guess i wasn't the kind of guy you could fall for anyway.
I knew that and that was why I didnt want to meet you.
I was also afraid that i would fall for you.
cos I knew the only way that i wouldn't is to never meet you face to face.

hope you'll find a great guy to be with in the future.
wish you will find long-lasting happiness.

2012-01-02T05:11:00.000+08:00

Only when i was about to lose them all,
did i realise how important they were to me.

Yet i still never really understood why.

maybe my heart grew fond of them.

and im thankful she brought these people into my life.

everything would be just perfect, if only she were by my side like she used to be.

Maybe it was just my imagination though.

but somehow she felt close by and she seemed to never want me to feel alone.

Crystal.

I love your voice. I loved how you used to shout at adley in the early morning and i always smiled to myself silently.
I love how you get worked up over small things in game and make so much noise. I love how you never get sick of playing the same character a million times.

I love how strong you are. Even though you fall at times and you think you're fragile, you're not. You have a strong way of living your life and you enjoy what you do every day. I love how you just want everyone to get along and you would blame yourself for not being able to help it.

I love your appearance, none of it is fake and you are original and true to yourself. Your gentle smile is attractive.

I actually wish I would never get over you, but it seems like I am losing it as days pass.

I really wish this phase wouldn't end. You're the best crush i ever had.
The one with both looks and character.

Hope you will remain forever happy and find a meaningful way to live your life while enjoying it to the fullest.

2012-01-01T05:30:00.000+08:00

yea... i know that i should be happy, grateful for having met everyone. yet i still feel like im on my own and i cant figure out why.

it's always the same problem.

and im sure it felt to me that crystal used to hold everything together.

it always felt right and comfortable with her around.

anyway im beginning to think you are associating less with me now, hoping i would stop thinking about you that way.

i guess it's good for me too after all...

hmm. i feel like i should have more to say. but i guess after a while i just begin to repeat myself.

2011-12-31T21:22:00.000+08:00

Guess we'll do 1 last post before the year ends.

couldn't find anything precious again huh.

somehow still missing something crucial.

but i dont even know how you expected to find something like that by lazing around.
maybe your mind did do some thinking, but so what. that would never change anything.
you should have known that by now.

couldn't find that defining moment you were hoping for in these 4 years eh?

oh well. haha laugh it off.

Love seems to be your worst enemy now.
your true self is forever fighting each new form of love and it hurts becos you know that you true self is best friends with that part of yourself.

But you also know that your true self has limitless strength, which is why he will never lose to that part of yourself which wants to believe in love.

well, so yea.. you just came to the conclusion that you hate yourself the most.
cos you'll never be good enough for those girls you loved.
they'll never treasure you enough.
maybe cos some friends try to show care and concern but you can never find a way to accept it in a good way.
and you still find yourself asking the same question after these 4 years.

What is it you treasure most?

I know at one point you used to say it was friendship. But now you don't even truly believe in the actual definition of friendship.
Somehow, you feel that your friends don't really feel that you're irreplaceable. you feel like if you were gone, there wouldn't be much of a difference.

Maybe that's why you hate yourself.

Cos you feel like you have no value.

Then they always say God loves you. But you could never understand that cos He never made it clear to you.
If humans couldn't come even close to loving you. Why the hell would God love you.

Then when you want to believe so badly in Him and you want to return to His side, you are afraid of the commitment, you are afraid of giving your entire life to Him and letting Him use it for the world. Just because you are lazy and afraid of leaving your comfort zone.

You're just a fucking coward aren't you.
You are the kind of people that you yourself would mock and laugh at.

what value do you really hold.

So sick of trying to take a step forward but they don't even see you.
Yet you can't even blame them. so who else do you have to blame but yourself.

you try to act like heroes. like anime characters. like all the things you believe in and admire.
But you fall so far from it.

the worst part is you don't even have the right to have self-pity cos Jesus went through so much more for you.
The fucking parts of the world you dont see are suffering so MUCH MORE THAN YOU.

SO WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO.

YOU CANT WIN AND YOU CANT EVEN SAY THAT YOU ARE LOSING.

what the fuck do you want me to do.

there's just no way my heart is still working fine.
i can feel it.
the deep black hole inside.
the shattered pieces of glasses stuck in it.
just how dark it has become.

you dont want to smile. you are reluctant to smile.
people tell you to cheer up, stop thinking so much, smile more, go out more, see the world, find new friends, open up more.

but inside your mind you know you're saying "fuck them, they cant even see the outline of what i'm feeling"

but how can it be their fault when you dont tell them anything.

then you ask yourself, how can it be your fault when you cant even begin to explain the things you feel.

now you're just afraid of saying the wrong things that will hurt the people you care about.
but then they ask you why you are so quiet.

just doesnt work out for me huh.

she gets all worked up and pissed off that i stopped talking and playing with her.
then she goes off and disappears from my fucking life when im still trying to be close to her.
when she makes me fall her, she suddenly likes someone else so much more and cant give a fuck about me.

how the fuck is that fair.

this bitch world is just playing with me.

then people wonder, why am i so bitter.
why am i so negative, so pessimistic

but the thing is, they dont fucking even try to begin to understand.

but i understand them. cos i wouldnt understand either, if i were them.

you associate yourself with darkness so much than with light.
yet you stand on the light's side.
i guess that is good after all.
your heart is still standing on the right side.
the weak part of you is still telling you, dont give up.
you still wait for the world to change.
you still hope for a brighter future.
you still hold microscopic faith.
but none of it will disappear.

that's just the kind of person you are.

so fucking stubborn in so many ways.

never knew a person could love so much and yet hold so much hate in his heart.

feel like it, so here goes :

Damien : wish you would really take things less seriously. thought you would know that i dont say things to hurt my friends but somehow you always took it so seriously that i thought you would cut me off. and i never understood why. i would never turn on you though. not sure why either. maybe some part of me respects you i guess. and you will always be a bro to me. cos of the things you've said and done.

Adley : you are a douche bag sometimes and maybe im just jealous of the things you get to do in your life. i joke with you plenty and i make fun of you but i hope you know i dont mean any of it. and i guess it does piss me off when i try so hard to win and all you want to do is watch your champ die. but it is my fault for taking the game too seriously anyway.

Pei : you're fun and cute. never getting into arguments with anyone in our group and you are loved by everyone haha. nuff said

Crystal : sometimes i wonder if i really love you. Just can't seem to get your pic out of my phone for good. I keep ending up saving it inside again and using it as a wallpaper. what a creep i am. but im 100% sure i'll never be good enough for you. just not that kind of guy. but i just wish you would care as much as you did before we even played LoL together. Just wanna be close to you and have a good friendship.

Clyde : guess i never took the time to truly understand you. although i never really did hold any bad feelings towards you. but thanks for making the effort even though i didnt.

2011-11-23T17:12:00.002+08:00

hey dusk. it's been a while.

i swear you thought everything would be fine after you survived these 4 years and did all you could.

but i also knew deep down somewhere inside of you, you were aware nothing would change. you were aware happiness is just a myth. or maybe you were just too convinced you couldn't obtain it and you hoped no one else could either.

then again you always wanted your friends to be happy.

but when you saw them happy, it always hurt you inside.

you could never understand your own feelings and now it just bites at your heart every waking moment of your life.

you dont even know what is the source of the pain anymore.

i'm pretty sure you don't hold such grudges. you're smarter than that.

so what is it?

jealousy? that your friends talk about love and you can't even begin to grasp it?

or maybe you're just not up to the standard you wish you were.

you hate working. you hate studying. you're afraid of change. you're afraid of staying at the same place.

what exactly can you do?

you say you waited, you searched. but honestly speaking all you did was sit idly.

because in the first place you never believed in an answer.

you just wanted to escape reality.

i hate this world. every part about it.

everything it represents.

or maybe i just hate myself too much.

to think that everything i do is hesitant.

no confidence. no hope. no faith.

you act kind, caring, nice.

but honestly, for what.

aren't you just afraid your friends wont see you anymore?

just afraid that they wont like your true personality?

then again, what is that ?

forgot it a long time ago.

even now, deep down in your heart, you wish someone would read this and understand.

but you also know that no one can possibly understand it.

you thought you could freeze your heart and control your emotions, but all you did was hide them in a box and hope they wouldnt come back to haunt you.

now nothing makes sense.

and you're just waiting for the world to end.

or just waiting for someone to love.

Heavy Heart.

2011-09-10T05:06:00.002+08:00

it's hard.

i just need something more.

all the people i really need aren't here to guide me anymore too.

can't i find something stronger.

something better to hold close to my heart.

2011-07-13T00:20:00.001+08:00

Acknowledgement is enough

2011-07-12T23:57:00.002+08:00

Of course, i would want to be beside all of you.

Not just standing at the back and observing.

But i took on this duty myself.

And i guess i'll see it through.

Because i know very well, this is the best way for me to love.

Without any doubt of doing the right or wrong things.

If only i could see what every one of you were thinking.

If only i could understand just a little.

2011-07-05T20:19:00.002+08:00

haha, how is it i always end up being part of the background.

The thing that people appreciate and like but find zero importance in.

The thing that doesn't change anything despite its presence or absence.

Just a catalyst.

2011-07-03T23:56:00.000+08:00

love. :)

2011-06-28T23:18:00.003+08:00

why do i talk to myself?

because im the only one who has felt my pain,

who has understood the feeling of being cornered with no one to help me out,

the one who dusted himself off and stood when he fell,

watching everyone else walk ahead of him

the one who understood why he had to be alone.

the one who understands the irony of wanting to see others smile and yet feeling deep pain in his heart when he does.

who can understand this,

no one but me and God.

what is faith?

i don't know.

maybe it's just a way to live.

2011-06-28T23:02:00.001+08:00

this still isn't where i belong. this is not my place. i'm leaving.

2011-06-28T22:50:00.002+08:00

lol.

why am i trying to sound all special.

as if im im so different from everyone else.

i know too well that no one gives a shit about me right now.

thats just the way it is.

whether that will ever change or not, i

its not up to me.

I couldn't care less anymore.

i wish i could see what pain they have in their hearts.

becos it seems so unfair to me that they have hands that they can hold and love that they can share. Yet they act as if they are in the same state as I am.

I'm not special.

I'm not here.

2011-06-27T22:55:00.002+08:00

as much as i dont want to admit it, i still end up as the background.

that's ok i guess. it's better than not being in the picture.

stop being so greedy.

be thankful for what you have

2011-06-26T18:37:00.003+08:00

you have a duty.

whether u believe it or not.

you are well aware that there are people all around you who have pain and difficulties and they dont know how to handle it.

you are well aware that no matter what happens, you know you can stand strong because you know what pain is.

you felt it. and you know the results it can bring.

you may not fully understand what it is and you definitely wont be able to know what hurts others but the thing you have to find out is

when is the time you should leave people alone and when is the time you should give them a shoulder to lean on.

when is the time to say a simple sentence and when is the time to listen quietly.

you need to learn to forgive everyone. even people you may not like or people who you think dont deserve your kindness.

discard yourself and change your destiny.

if you think this world is ugly, dont add to it.

change it.

make it a brighter place so that you can see the smiles which you love so much.

there is something special about life.

It's made such that we can see the small things that hold so much more significance than we may think.

2011-05-31T15:22:00.002+08:00

don't listen to them =)

you are strong.

stronger than they can ever imagine.

you will not be crushed by them.

2011-05-14T08:00:00.000+08:00

i want to win.

please, let me stand.

2011-05-09T19:39:00.001+08:00

no one can understand my pain.

i will walk alone. and i will keep carrying this weight.

i'm not allowed to fall.

i dont fucking care.

just keep walking alone.

2011-04-24T00:10:00.002+08:00

don't lose your direction.

don't sit on your ass and complain.

at least try to stand or prevent yourself from touching the ground.

stop thinking of the worst possible scenarios, but see the light around you.

see through the plainness of this world and grab the colours.

of course, there are people still painting it. just open your heart and eyes.

come on. you can do it.

stop turning to the wrong sources.

can't you hear the melodies they are playing, the rainbows they are painting?

keep moving forward. just don't fall back.

2011-04-16T20:12:00.001+08:00

I just want to talk to all of you once more.

Not sure if you just dont know what to say to me or you've forgotten me already

Have I really made no significant impact that I should be left alone.

Or maybe I just made too much of a negative impact.

I dare not try to move closer anymore

For fear I push them even further than they already are.

2011-04-12T22:35:00.002+08:00

can you people not understand how painful it is.

is it really that hard to see...

none of you would know right? always being surrounded by friends who do everything with you.

none of you understand how it is to stand on your own and dig your own hole.

it fucking sucks.

but none of you know that i cant afford to lose.

simply because i am called to win.

try standing when you've been shot in the chest.

try walking with a fractured ankle

try thinking with a fever

try winning when you're losing

cos i can accomplish all at the same time with my strength.

2011-04-12T01:39:00.002+08:00

don't fall back down man.

you cant take back what you've said and done for all these years.

even though you don't see them, there are people who are supporting you and hoping all the best for you.

you can't see them now but they will appear. trust me. trust yourself.

find it deep down in your heart and realise that you can do it. you've always could

you knew.

just fight. of course it's hard. there is no other way. just keep fighting.

fight till the day you find love.

fight till someone cares enough to see what you've written here

fight till someone tries to understand you.

fight till someone lets you fight for him/her.

there's nothing else to say.

am i really going to be happy at the end of this year.

i'm worried.

i hope someone reads this.

i hope someone finds me.

2011-04-03T06:11:00.003+08:00

its just a fact you have to face.

be it sooner or later.

you're on your own.

because you cant see things the way people do.

just stand alone. that's all you can do.

even if others dont remember the promises you made, you do.

make sure you meet your own expectations.

if not you'll lose all of your little worth. all of it.

you have to love yourself. if not you wont make it.

i'm sorry for putting you through this, dusk.

2011-04-02T01:56:00.002+08:00

hey. don't worry.

just keep moving forward.

you can find the answers. you can do it.

2011-04-01T02:46:00.002+08:00

new questions.

new feelings.

The condition of the heart.

The state of the mind.

The necessity to overcome ? win? succeed?

what are the right words to use..

there's just something amiss. in our atmosphere.. in our air

I can feel it. The chains. The pain.

I want to understand it.

it's difficult. i need someone who can see the way i do.

i need someone who can feel what i feel.

i know i will meet that person sooner or later.

it ought to be interesting.

Right, God?

haha. i am waiting. as always.

2011-03-30T23:08:00.001+08:00

Stop ignoring my existence.

Acknowledge me.

Stop opposing me.

All I want is allies.

I never had the intention of forming enemies.

Where did they come from.

I won't lose.

I refuse to be forgotten.

2011-03-26T03:04:00.002+08:00

when will my voice reach someone.

my anger can't even be felt.

don't i even have the right to be angry?

why do i always seem to be in the wrong even though i feel like i've tried to be the best i can be in the situation.

am i really wrong?

or is it because i'm too blind to my own flaws.

tell me. just tell me.

how long do i have to sit and wonder.

how long do i have to wait.

my heart has been giving so much...

when will i receive.

i'm running dry.

... always have been

days.. months. years.. decades?

a life time.

frustration. uncertainty. doubt.

anger. despair. hopelessness.

why is that when i stand still...

no one pulls me.

why is that when i fall...

no one is around.

WHY.

why is it when i see them falling, i'm standing right beside them but they refuse to take my hand

can no one feel my pain?

can no one see it in my eyes?

At the end of the fucking day,

All i can say is

I don't have a choice, but to keep moving forward...

wherever that takes me.

even if you read this... you would probably turn away and forget it.

That. is the cry of this message.

even so. i don't give a damn. i won't let evil get the better of me. i know which side i stand. i know what i believe in. i know WHO I AM. I KNOW THAT MY DESTINY IS GREAT.

I was born for this.

To protect those who come to me. To love those who trust me. To move obstacles for those in need. To make life easier for everyone else.

To care even when no one cares about me.

To love when no one loves me.

To listen when no one hears me.

To remember when everyone else forgets me.

To be a light even when my heart is dark.

To bring happiness to others when I can't even smile.

To stand from far.. and watch others.

My strength is given from God.

It is unlimited. It will never give in, even if i do.

It has the power to carry the weight of the world.

It has the power to bear the pain of millions.

It has the power to carry me.

It allows me to live

without love.

without friendship.

without achievement.

without goal.

without sanity.

It is groundless hope.

Faith.

2011-03-20T02:50:00.001+08:00

when will something change...?

i need love...?

not sure.

strength? maybe.

i don't know.

help me.

2011-03-12T00:06:00.001+08:00

what the hell is going on.

Am i really the one in the wrong?...

Can't at least someone tell me.

2011-03-09T09:24:00.001+08:00

lol. wtf.

God, you really give me hard challenges to overcome.

What do i even need this strength for in the future.

What must i do to make all of this stop.

2011-03-09T01:18:00.002+08:00

So you've found something new.

Hope... well maybe you always had it but you just needed something to magnify it

and bring out its glory.

Maybe you needed to unlock it with your heart but you couldn't find the strength to do it.

You just need to stop for a while. Look at the sky. Breathe.

and now..

You've attained so much strength and climbed so high. You can make it.

Sure, your throat is dry and your heart is weary. Your hope is breaking but it won't let go, because that's what hope is.

You could lose everything you care about and treasure and love and cherish. But you can never lose hope.

Hope is always waiting for you deep inside.

Now that you've reached the top,

you're out of breath,

the demon towers above you and pushes you.

Yet, all you need to do is refuse to fall.

Take up your sword. Protect yourself and brave the darkness

Raise it to the sky and let it pierce through the clouds and into the heavens

Just like a beacon so that others can follow

Protect them and support them.

Don't let them fall...

like you did before.

The biggest problem now,

is who will stand by your side when it counts the most.

Please stand by my side.

2011-01-20T22:00:00.001+08:00

Show the world your light. Your warmth.

Bring smiles to your friend's faces and let them remember you for life.

Make an impact. Display inner strength. Faith. Pure heart. Innocent Mind.

Love.

2011-01-06T22:05:00.002+08:00

why the fucking hell do i have to keep reaching out and no1 grabs my hand.

i dont exist..? why. it didn't use to be this way.

i have no place in this world.

i have to leave.

2011-01-01T07:13:00.001+08:00

why cant love just be so straightforward. why does infatuation and lust have to get in the damn way.

why cant she just get out of my damn mind.

fuck off bitch

2011-01-01T06:55:00.002+08:00

you still cant reach anyone can you.

now you just dont want to anymore.

you're sick of it. i am too.

you want to end it but you cant.

you want to fight back but you cant.

because in the end you dont really want to at all.

you want to stop and you want to start at the same time.

you want to fall and you want to stand at the same time.

you want to love and you want to hate at the same time.

you cant fucking make up your damn mind and no one is there to help you.

because you dont want any help.

because you dont believe in hope.

so many options and so many possibilties. so many obstacles and so many difficulties.

why cant any1 hear me. why cant anyone see me.

because im hiding myself.

i have the questions and the answers to those questions.

fuck this. i cant do it. i cant take anymore of this.

the battle for darkness and light rages onward in my heart and mind

i cant do anything till the battle is resolved. i cant move. i cant think.

i cant succeed. i wont fall either. but the world wont wait for me.

2010-12-17T03:08:00.001+08:00

my voice can't reach anyone.

my eyes don't meet anyone's.

my pain goes unheard.

somebody... acknowledge me.

stay with me.

2010-11-08T04:48:00.001+08:00

i'm a fucking idiot

2010-11-08T04:43:00.001+08:00

stop pitying yourself.

you're definitely not the only one hurting inside.

stop being the darkness.

be the light.

hide it.

bury all of it.

you'll give up again. as always.

2010-07-23T23:09:00.003+08:00

fuck. how is this fair. I'm the one who began everything yet at the end, im the one tossed aside. My friends treat me like a wall. who the fuck am i. i dont even exist. im sick and tired of this bullshit. and people wonder why im bitter. maybe this is what i deserve after all my actions. but im sure as hell nothing will change. nothing ever has. i just have to find a way to make my presence known... through pain and fear.

2010-06-22T02:28:00.001+08:00

why does life seem so exceedingly worthless.

I want to know what love feels like.

I already know how it feels when there's a massive lack of it

2010-06-10T00:43:00.001+08:00

Hi jonnee